ARTIST STATEMENT
The fluidity and motion of oil paint allows me to express difficult feelings and thoughts I have about myself and society. I am able to achieve a new dimension and complexity with each and every layer of paint. In many ways, my painting practice conveys the themes and idea exploration in my work. My work deals thematically with performance, perception, and psychology.
Performance has always been a driving force present within my paintings. Previously, I have explored the idea of masking insecurities as well as imperfections while presenting perfection when it comes to appearance and beauty through a self-portrait photography series. These paintings address similar ideas, and almost satirically address how we perform everyday in makeup and attire, to the extreme of animated carnival clowns and body modifications. The extravagant hair styles address historical portraits of those high in society and status. When we perform, we portray ourselves in the highest light, similar to royalty commissioning artists to capture their peak of beauty in paint.
INTROSPECTIVE ESSAY
DIPPING MY HANDS INTO CREATIVITY
My hands are always dirty. Not in some metaphorical way, but physically dirty. As a kid, I never—and some would argue even now as an adult—I never could keep my hands clean. My poor mother was always begging me to get the grime off my hands, whether from making mud pies, creating MasterChef-worthy creations out of snacks, or dipping my hands into her paint supplies.
Now, as a psychology and art major, I still have my hands dirty. It’s not a rare sighting to see me walking on campus with specs of paint splattered across my body and hands. I get some weird enjoyment from looking down at my hands during class and seeing the remnants of one of my latest paintings. The spatterings of paint give me little glimpses into why I started painting in the first place, which can sometimes be hard to remember, especially in college.
Art has always been a way for me to channel my thoughts and emotions into a physical being. It was the ultimate way for me to express my creativity. Unfortunately, art and creativity have begun to take on an entirely different meaning in recent years. Art classes that require a constant stream of paintings every week have caused me to look deeper into my artistic process, specifically how I find inspiration and creativity in my works. Sometimes, it feels like my love for painting is being drained as I am pumping out ideas for an audience as opposed to myself. It can become purely mechanical. When I look at paint, I don’t see possibility, I see failure and unmet potential if I don’t create a masterpiece. My paint-coated hands have started to remind me of my own shortcomings and failures.
What once was a peaceful practice filled with opportunity and promise, is now one filled with dread. A blank canvas can easily give me cold sweats. Blank canvases spark fear; fear of failure. There is nothing more daunting than having a class of your peers rip into your heart and soul as they debate the quality of your art. Yes others can be very critical, but so can the mind of an artist. An artist can be their worst critic, and I am no exception.
My tendency to self-evaluate and analyze my art and identity as an artist can interfere heavily with my creative process. The fear of failing to create ‘good’ art is what has consumed my art practice. How can one be creative and free when they are overcome with self- judgement and hesitancy? The only remedy to this recurring issue in my art practice is to focus on what I know and look back at previous works from years past to remind myself that I am capable as an artist. My capacity to improve is what keeps me going. Paul Silvia and Ann Philips, researchers from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, conducted two experiments to find out if the feeling of being able to improve could reduce or eliminate the adverse effects of self-evaluation on creativity, based on the objective self awareness theory.
Self Awareness theory basically is about how individuals compare themselves to others and different standards. The researchers in both experiments used differing degrees of self-awareness to control self-evaluation since self-awareness, which has been shown in previous studies to increase self-evaluation. Researchers did this by randomly assigning students to high or low self-awareness, by giving them objective performance standards, in the first experiment. In the second they told the women participants that their scores would be compared to others. Participants in both studies were instructed to do a creative problem activity, so solving a problem outside of the box.
Silvia and Philips found that increased self awareness and self-evaluation diminished creativity in both studies. However, this only happened when participants did not expect any self-improvement. When participants believed they could improve, self-evaluation did not affect creativity. The idea that one’s perception of self-improvement could so greatly affect creativity is fascinating.
The importance of having faith in yourself and your abilities, especially when it comes to self-improvement can not be overstated. If I continue to focus on improving, those fears and doubts won't continue to cloud my creativity. I am determined to once again enjoy the act of creating new paintings and the creative process as a whole. I always want painting to be a safe place where I can create worlds by simply dipping my hands in paint and trusting my creativity. My hands will remain dirty and speckled with different color schemes as a reminder that I will continue to improve in my artistry.